The other day I opened the freezer and found a juice box sized Yoo-hoo. I got pissed, pulled it out of the freezer and turned to my oldest. “Uh No, those last four was your dads’ and mine, you get no more Yoo-hoos.” Akila huffed and puffed and a little while later turns to me and whispers, “I want to be a part of your secret club…” By then I forgot what she was talking about and I ask her what club, and she goes “Your secret Yoo-hoo club.”

Little does she know it’s more than a secret Yoo-hoo club. My husband and I have been hiding snacks to eat alone for over a month.  It started after we moved. We don’t have a lot of cabinet space in our kitchen so we turned a part of the basement into a pantry. Now, I’m all for eating moderately healthy, as I do buy my share of shitty snacks. And although my husband talks about all the shitty food I buy, I actually only need a small amount of shitty food to feel satisfied. Ray the other hand has no self-control; if there’s a bag of chips laying around, he would eat the whole bag.  If it was just me, snacks would probably go bad because after I have a reasonable amount, I don’t go back to it for a while. There are junk snacks however I could eat in excess, mainly because they are seasonal. Girl scout cookies, those strawberry Krimpets, a sugary limited time goodness that I certainly eat more than a reasonable amount. But that doesn’t mean I want my children to follow in my shitty eating.

Anyways, after we moved I noticed when I would go in the pantry, there would be empty boxes of fruit snacks, and opened boxes of things I had no intention of opening.  I approached Ray “Hey bro, you eating all the snacks? Having a snack relapse?” He was like “Fuckkkk no, I go down there and someone has gotten to them already.” So, through process of elimination, our oldest daughter Akila, has been ransacking the snacks. And she’s apparently gotten the toddlers in on it too. I’ve noticed when I go downstairs to grab something the kids would chase after me. I thought they were just trying to play with the tricycle down there until I realized they were eyeing the pantry shelves.

The beginning of the end, was finding my three boxes of thin mints I had down there was now down to just a sleeve of thin mints. Akila, damn you!!! I took that sleeve of thin mints, slid it up my own sleeve under the watchful eye of toddlers, grabbed the noodles and went upstairs and made spaghetti, fed the kids, played with them, read to them, and got them ready for bed, all while hiding a sleeve of thin mints on my person. And when they went to sleep I enjoyed half of the sleeve alone. And it was awesome.  Like reeeeaaaally gratifying. So gratifying I started taking little things and eating them in secret either in the basement or grabbing a piece out of the cabinet while cooking or cleaning. A piece of krimpet, an M&M, – boop! – right in my mouth. And those kids were none the wiser. Sure, the would look at me suspiciously, but they had no proof!!

I knew Ari was on to me on to me one day. He walked into the kitchen while I was cooking and asked for a cookie. And I replied – “You know we don’t eat snacks before dinner. After you eat your food.” He stared at me for a long moment and just walked out. And I knew. I knew, he knew, that I just jammed a cookie in my mouth. That night I went to Ray, “Hey, are you sneak eating snacks too?” Without missing a beat, he goes, “Hell yeah, I’ve been hiding eating them in the basement and the other day I brought a swiss cake roll and ate it in the bathroom”. I wasn’t sure if I should be appalled that he was eating in the bathroom or eating a fucking nasty ass swiss roll but hey, I really can’t judge from where I stand.

Driving home from the mall (I’ve been checking Targets for the limited-edition blueberry cobbler oreos -fuck you they taste good), and I turn to Ray, “Hey we can’t put the all the snacks out in the open, Akila took one of the Yoo-hoos I was saving for us and claimed it for herself” And he goes “Yeah, we need to hide some stuff in the basement bins.” At first I looked at him and thought, Great idea husband! But then I thought- Wait what have we become?! We teach our kids about sharing and good eating habits and here we are plotting to hide snacks?! I tell him my concerns and without missing a beat he jokes, “I’m doing them a favor, my body is already fucked up, I’m trying to keep them healthy.”

And as I watched him sneakily buy only me and him a milkshake, I thought how I seriously fucking love this dude…and that we’ve got to stop. He’s not going to do more laps or pump more iron to compensate to his increased shitty food intake, and I’ve effectively pulled him off his broccoli and quinoa filled wagon, to creepily eat snacks in secret with me. I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow and I’m pretty sure everyone will groan over the lack of snacks.  Except me. I’m still going to hide my snacks. From Everybody!!!